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Holy Ghosts

by Constant Reader

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1.
God Bless This House 02:43
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The Christmas tree out front has grown so tall and wide It's hard to remember when it once stood up inside And we circled it with shining lights and an angel up above Feel all the shame I felt in here, remember God is love If you need help, then you can always ask for some God bless this house that I must run from Everything is different here from the floorboards to the roof And if I ever lived in here, I don't see any proof And the people who still live in here are fully in disguise But I've worn plenty of masks, and I've told my share of lies And I am a worm, I am blind and deaf and dumb God bless this house that I must run from God bless the mailbox spelling out our name God bless the pencil marks climbing the door frame God bless the concrete imprinted with my hands God bless the basement and the water rushing in God bless the walls that always kept my family safe God bless my mom and dad, God bless their faith God bless the rain that falls, God bless the sun God bless this house that I must run from
2.
Megachurch 3 02:44
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The sun stares down on the highway and I've got my cross to bear Look up to the heavens and I wonder if you're there Feel the weight like my own sin, the splinters cut my hands All gods children raise them up, we're bound for promised land We set up a cross in a field and sing songs to praise him We set up a cross in a field and sing songs Dig deep the preacher says, the offering plates overflow The church is not the building, it goes where the people go Look down at the blueprint as gold shovels break the ground Picture you in the temple throwing cash boxes around We set up a cross in a field and sing songs to praise him We set up a cross in a field and sing songs The steeple looks down on concrete and glass We all gather 'round the new golden calf They build up the sets, the church is a stage Like Pharisees kneel in public to pray We set up a cross in a field and sing songs to praise him We set up a cross in a field and sing songs
3.
Heaven 03:39
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I'm huddled in the corner of a cinderblock bunkhouse Lightning lights the forest, a tornado has touched down And God is in his heaven, and Nick is in his hell The windows are all rattled and the kids ain't doing well And I can't let go of heaven up above this angry sky I don't know if the angels all live there But I know I'm scared to die I held your hand yesterday, my body spoke to me But now the awful truth, God watches all the time And I know you don't love me, someday I'll feel the same But tonight we close our eyes so tight and pray in Jesus' name And I can't let go of heaven up above this angry sky I don't know if the angels all live there But I know I'm scared to die Let the sky open up and let your light shine down Give me a halo as a crown Send me to heaven, but I'm not ready now, No, no, I'm not ready now
4.
Jenny 03:38
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Jenny, your name is in so many songs already Your racing stripes, you are so pretty Your golden eyes could look right through me Too soon to say goodbye, I was not ready Keep running in circles, keep running in circles Running in circles and run back home Jenny, the purest joy the rattling of car keys Your head out the window, it feels like flying First tracks in the snow, I'll never feel so free Carried in your mouth, the lion is sleeping Keep running in circles, keep running in circles Running in circles and run back home Jenny, your race is run, you're breathing heavy You got to the finish line way before me Someday I'll catch up, I move slow and steady You'll be there at the door, waiting for me Keep running in circles, keep running in circles Running in circles and run back home Keep running in circles, keep running in circles Running in circles and run back home
5.
Scenic Hills (I'm Still Here) 02:49
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Go back so far, it's not clear where the story begins Go into the wilderness, confess all of your sins Fire on the hillside, the stars are more fire above Hold your head under water, teach you something about love And I'm still here, I'm still here Yeah, I'm long gone and I've moved on And I'm still here, I'm still here Go into the cavern, see the light dancing on the wall Fell the mud beneath you where forgotten creatures crawl Stones piled in the corner, who will cast the very first Feel the spirit raise your hands, your heart about to burst And I'm still here, I'm still here Yeah, I'm long gone and I've moved on And I'm still here, I'm still here These fields are filled with flowers bursting in full bloom God bless these youthful hearts that know not what they do Chains over the entrance now, have they trapped in all the fear? Closed it down, everyone's gone and yet I am still here I'm still here, I'm still here Yeah, I'm long gone and I've moved on And I'm still here, I'm still here
6.
Christmas Lights 03:45
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All these switches switching on and off and on And I look into your eyes and I realize you're gone We went walking by the railroad tracks again You wanna tell me everything, don't know where to begin The sky is black as night, which makes sense 'cause it's night And you try to smile but it's like watching ghosts fade out of sight This tiny sliver moon looks like an evil grin As we lay on the railroad tracks and we confess our sins Your insides are tangled up, but you're shining so bright It's like you're filled up with someone's old Christmas lights Calling all Spidermen, 'cause we're stuck up a tree And you say that you're not happy, not sure that you'll ever be But I'm a document and I keep track for you I crack my spine and open up and we start pouring through All these old back issues of Boys Life Magazine Most of them I memorized, a few I've never seen They're precariously stacked in the back of your car And you ask to pull over so we can look at the stars Your insides are tangled up, but you're shining so bright It's like you're filled up with someone's old Christmas lights You're shining bright
7.
The Creature Triumphant 02:46
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I didn't ask for these feelings I didn't follow you to your home I wanna go down to the deep dark waters I wish all you people would leave me alone But you're still here so i have to Drag my scaly body up on the land You will know i have found you When i reach out with one webbed clawed hand Then i'll swim down into the deep Like all the darkest secrets you keep I will swim down into the deep Like all the darkest secrets you keep Took me to civilization Do you feel human when you put me in chains? I'm at the bottom of your fish bowl But make no mistake i will rise again Then the people here at this zoo Will regret the very day they were born Come at me with your long harpoons But you're all gonna die You have all been warned Then i'll walk back into the sea Someday i am gonna be free I will walk back into the sea Someday i am gonna be free But not today not today Set me on fire Burn away my scales and gills Do so much damage and make sure it never heals Destroy my lungs so i can only breathe on land I'm still not like you And i hope i never am So i'll still walk back into the sea Someday i am gonna be free I'll still walk back into the sea Someday i am gonna be free
8.
Godsend 03:07
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I am a moth, you are the flame Guiding me out of all the fear and all the shame Stay up all night, stay on the phone Write teenage novels, a blueprint to build a home My love for you has no beginning and no end You're a godsend My aim is too good to be true Stripped off my skin and stood naked there for you Blood rushing out, fast, hot, and pure Anoint your head, but it's just blood and nothing more You healed my scars, a feral dog now on the mend You're a godsend You've got your demons I've got my angels I'm not sure which is worse Together you and me We can carry anything The blessings and the curse You lift me up, on that I can depend You're a godsend

about

So, this album has been a long time coming.
When we lived in Tennessee, I had a really fruitful period of songwriting. We were living in the middle of nowhere, and getting together with a group of local old timers almost every weekend. Everyone would sit out on someone's back porch and we'd all drink and play songs. It was a time that made me excited to write because I had a regular audience who were excited to hear what I was coming up with and wanted to play along with me.
Near the end of our time there, I decided I was getting close to ready to write about my experiences growing up in the church and my complex feelings about that time in my life. But then we moved, things changed, distractions came up. Plus I quickly realized that writing about these feelings was harder than i thought it would be.
In the past year, I've finally made some progress, writing some songs I am extremely proud of, but I still couldn't figure out what to do with them. I recorded elaborate, layered versions of a few of these songs, but I just wasn't happy with how they felt. Then I dragged my recording setup all over the house, trying to find the right sound, and none of it was right.
Then yesterday, I had a revelation. I dug out a little hand-held field recorder I picked up several years ago and never got around to using. I carried it down to our basement, set it the corner and started playing. It sounded perfectly imperfect. It was just what these songs needed. Every one of these is the first take. Pets stopped in to visit, I lost my pick for a while and just decided to do without. It was a really nice way to spend an evening in the midst of a global pandemic.
I debated if I should release these songs immediately, or hold onto them for a bit. Seven is an odd number of songs for a record. Particularly songs of this length. This is a little too long to be an EP, and a bit too short to be a proper album. I have a few other ideas I've been working on, and maybe I could round it out a bit. But there was something special about the immediacy of the recordings, so it felt like an immediate release was the only appropriate way to handle this.
I know my audience reach is very small, and I don't expect many people to ever hear these. But writing them helped me a lot, so I hope they help anyone who stumbles across them.
Whoever has ears, let them hear.

credits

released April 15, 2020

words and sounds by Anthony Bowman, recorded Tuesday, April 14, 2020 from 5:00pm-7:00pm while in quarantine.

FCR-212

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Constant Reader Clarksville, Indiana

Constant Reader makes sad goth folk music in Midwestern bedrooms.

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